My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
