Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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