Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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