Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
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