we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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