I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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