Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
