Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
