I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
