you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
