My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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