I think i peed on brittanys purse
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
