what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
