i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I supernannyed him into submission
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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