I wish I only lived at night.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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