And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Life is so much better after having sex.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
