So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We were destined to go to rehab together
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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