we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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