So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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