I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
