chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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