she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
