I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
