Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
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