Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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