I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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