I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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