it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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