Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
the condom got lost in my hair
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
