you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
