dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
