well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
