This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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