Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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