The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
