Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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