Apparently you make a good broom.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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