I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
