to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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