She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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