shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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