Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
