im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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