Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
