My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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