I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
