remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
3 2 1 whiskey
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
