I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
