She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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