Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
