Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
