He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
