I heard we made out
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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