I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
